


solace

by kasch



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mentions of Sex, POV Second Person, from Porco's perspective, please somebody find us, we aren't writers lol, we're in gallirei hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 18:26:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11296284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kasch/pseuds/kasch
Summary: Written by AlinaJames, edited by Kasch.Post-sex Gallirei angst. Sometimes you share more than you expect. And other times you find solace in a place you never thought you would.





	solace

A thunder bolt, a flash of lightning, a blackout that lasts a mere second but feels too long to be measured. Climaxing seems similar to titanic transformation in many ways, only instead of sharp pain ripping your body apart it’s pleasure that leaves you breathless, hot, delirious, your loud pulse pumping in your ears. This room you’re secretly renting is in an old house on the outskirts of Liberio, close to the ghetto walls. It’s cramped and dark, the walls currently painted with red undertones by the last few rays of the setting sun creeping through the cracked glass of the small window. As you’re attempting to return to reality and focus your vision on something, you look down and see Reiner lying under you. The sight is almost enough to send you another little orgasmic shock, seeing him like this – tired, sweaty, flushed, messy, but with a content look on his face. Like you, he’s still trying to slow his breathing back to normal, and while his opened mouth could hardly count for a smile, his softly half-lidded eyes and relaxed brows leave no doubts – he’s satisfied and happy. You shift a little, trying not to show any distress about your legs getting numb after staying in the same position for a while, and then you collapse next to Reiner – the bed is narrow and only has one pillow on it, but it’s enough to let you both settle down side-by-side.

After a few minutes of silence that you spend staring at the wooden ceiling, he finally huffs out, “Porco… Thank you.”

He only uses your first name during moments like this, and you’re not sure if it feels more intimate than awkward.

“How many times do I need to tell you I’m not doing it for you? You don’t need to thank me.”

“Weren’t you holding out, waiting for me to go… “

“I’m not doing anything that’s not beneficial to me. I just like when it lasts a while. Stop it.”

He chuckles ever so slightly and covers his eyes with his left palm. You sit up on the bed, pretending to look out the window. He knows you’re lying. Of course you’d been keeping that specific pace and rhythm and denying your pleasure as long as you could so he could finish. It’s kind of true that you do it for yourself mostly anyway, since it’s too much of a treat to see him cum from your efforts like that, hands free. You feel proud every time you succeed, and your own orgasm that comes soon after is always amplified by a mile. That’s good enough reason to keep this routine going, even if you have to withstand another embarrassing round of Reiner’s forced gratitude and teasing afterwards.

He’s still chuckling and you think it may be getting a little louder. Does he find it that funny? You know he has mood swings when he’s vulnerable, but you’d prefer if his amusement wasn’t directed at you. He’s never been this pushy and obvious about it before, he’s well aware you’ll never admit to it. Not to mention he hardly ever responds to any of your verbal attacks. Usually, you side-glance Reiner any chance you get, picking up on details about his behavior, studying him without making yourself obvious, but right now you can look at him directly since he’s covering his eyes and won’t notice your stare. His shoulders are shaking more and more and you feel the annoyance inside beginning to build up. You just went through a 15 minute long intense workout to drive him to the top and this is his gratitude? Have you been so soft with him lately he now thinks it’s ok to pretty much burst out laughing in your face? At your feelings? You’re just about to lash out an angry, ‘Fuck you too, Braun,’ when you finally realize he hasn’t been giggling and snickering and tittering this whole time. He’s been crying.

Your own mood shifts so suddenly you just freeze, inside and out, not knowing what to do or what to think. Reiner has reached a point of blubbering now and his massive square palm can no longer hide the tears streaming down the sides of his face, intense sobbing getting louder and louder. You’re glad he’s still covering his eyes though because your own face probably shows much more than you’d like to let on right now. Just what in the world is going on with him? You’ve said so many mean things to get under his skin before and it’s never reduced him to tears, not since the long gone days of your childhood and warrior training. He barely reacts to your spiteful remarks and accusations at all, why is he having this massive breakdown? What did you say to have this effect on him? You weren’t planning on this, it wasn’t intentional. You finally push yourself to say something. It’s hard to start.

“Hey… Are you…”

“I’m sorry…”

Why is he apologizing? Shouldn’t you be the one to say it? Even if you still have no clue what brought this on, you wish you could make him-

“This shouldn’t be happening… Not right now, not in front of you…”

You stare at him with a blank face. You still have no idea what is going on and what should your reply be.

“It’s just… I miss him so much.”

Oh.

Suddenly, everything is very clear as a heavy weight sinks into your gut, and you wish you could magically teleport to virtually any other place on the planet right now to escape what you know is coming. The rational part of your mind sees that the sun has almost set by now and the darkness is setting in and you should probably walk to the shelf on the opposite side of the room to pick up and light the kerosene lamp. But you can’t move, paralyzed. Reiner keeps weeping and you wish you could comfort him in any way, but you don’t think it’s something you should or could do.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

“Look. Just... I can leave. Stop apologizing. You don’t have to be sorry. I understand it’s-”

“Please, please don’t go…”

Your insides feel dead and cold. If he’s asking you to say, he probably wants you to console him, you assume. Once again, you’re not sure if you can live up to the challenge, but there’s somebody else you desperately need to console right now as well – yourself. Mechanically and awkwardly, you’re lowering your body beside him and resting one arm over his shoulder. Reiner instantly clenches you with both of his hands and holds on as if he’d die if he let go. It’s so tight it hurts to breathe. But you’re not struggling against it and not telling him to ease the grip. He’s still crying, with his face pressed into your collarbone now, but it’s growing less loud and less neurotic.

“I’m… I’m not judging you… I know… what it’s like.”

Your voice breaks a little. You’re not going to continue on and tell him that you cry about Marcel every now and then, and that you realize how close Reiner and Bertolt were, and that nothing will ever fill in these gaping black holes left by people who are gone. Your eyes are tingling and you’re suddenly thankful you hadn’t gone to light the lamp, that you’re facing a wall right now instead of looking Reiner in the eye. At least you know what happened to Marcel. At least you had time to get used to the thought that your brother would be gone before you, ever since he received the power of the nine and you didn’t. His death came so much faster than any of you ever expected, and it was bad, heavy devastating, but Marcel’s home with you now. Not lost, not forgotten. You continue to carry on the duty for both of you. Still struggling to wade through the dark, thick mists of memories to connect to him. Still failing. But one day you will find them. On the other hand, Reiner… none of you have any idea what happened in that abandoned, walled-off town where the last Paradis Island battle took place. None of you know how Bertolt died, when it happened, or if he’s even dead at all. But nobody’s clinging to false hopes, least of all you, and even if those hopes turned out to be true – that time spent apart is now lost forever. Not that you ever had plenty of time in the first place.

You are still dwelling deep in your thoughts when you finally notice Reiner’s broken sobbing has turned to slow and steady breathing. He’s asleep. Normally, you would never stay for the night. But you don’t have the heart or any physical strength left in you to get up and leave now – today, just today, you’ll have to hold him through his nightmares.


End file.
